Good grief

This grief thing is an ill-fitting garment for me. Grief is neither appropriate nor convenient. C.S. Lewis says that the feeling of grieving is not much different to the feeling of fear. That deep ache that can’t be filled and accompanying nausea… There is no formula or remedy for it. It comes in waves, usually at the most unexpected moment, like in the library or the doctor’s rooms. I was telling friends the other day that losing someone close to you is much like an amputation, I should imagine. The patient can learn to walk again and they can even heal to the point where they are able to perform well with the help of a prosthetic limb. But there will be days where the stump will ache and pain. And never again will they be whole. There will always be something missing. Life for them changed that day, it will never be the same again. That is the way it is for us, we will feel the loss of our precious sister / wife / mother / daughter / aunty and friend forever. That hole cannot be filled, it is a hole that is unique to Nikki and even the though I CANNOT wait to see her again in heaven one day, it is in THIS dimension of time and space that we miss her, we will never again see that smile and hear her clever chirps on this earth. And that is where it hurts.

It is interesting being a 3 in 1 being. I am (we are) body, soul and spirit. My soul (mind, will and emotions) is crying out in pain at this time, but my spirit is soaring and so peaceful resting in the shadow of His wing. My soul rises up and emotions take over for a time, my head tries to remember all the funny things she said, the silly songs she sang to the kids, the sound of her voice and the way she walked…memories seem like they are slipping away, I try to hold on and I start to panic. Then, I turn my eyes back to Jesus, and I am still as the Holy Spirit ministers to my spirit and quiets my soul once again. As a result, my body is usually exhausted! True comfort is found in the word of God and in His promises to me - which I hold on to with all my might.

2 Corinthians 4:16 is one scripture that helps me keep perspective:

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

This is where Nix is now, she no longer sees through a glass dimly… she now knows the fullness of relationship with God face to face… In all of our relationships here on earth, even in our relationship with God, there is always a sense of striving, a yearning within us for more. We never quite feel like we have reached that place of fulfilment – there is always more. In human relationships, there is always an element of misunderstanding. Even though two can be one flesh, there is still a separate-ness, potential for disunity. That is, I believe, because we will only know true fulfilment in these relationships when we reach eternity. When we see Him clearly and all is finally revealed…

For now, on this earth, I choose to praise Him, I choose to “be joyful always, give thanks in all circumstances” (1 Thessalonians 5:18), I choose to trust Him, to give my grieving heart to Him, for He sees from a different view, He sees the end of the story. I trust that He knows best. Right now, I don’t want my heart to be OK. I want to grieve, I need to grieve. This is a great loss for me. But, through it all I have His peace which surpasses understanding, and that is such a comfort.

In the words of an old (OLD) song / hymn, “Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear – All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer”