The horse on a soapbox

From the heading you have probably realised it's me again!

Firstly... WELL DONE! to EVE- and anyone else who ran on Saturday - you guys deserve serious respect!

As you would have read on her last update, there was far more meaning behind all the training and running she has been doing lately and I wanted to say to my sweet sister, that I appreciate YOU so much, and all the support you have shown me...Thank you! I love you so much!

Secondly.... A little update on me:
Tuesday (2 weeks ago ) I went for a heart scan to check that the "Hercepton" I am on at the moment is not causing any problems with my heart - quite strange test - they inject you with a radio-active substance and do a scan in a strange machine to test your heart function. very interesting - All in all my heart is Great - YAY!
Wednesday (2 weeks ago) I went to see my Reumatologist: he's sent in the application forms for me to start on a new drug called "Mabthera" he also says I have cysts behind my knees from all the inflammation, which might explain some of the 'new' pain. In short, once the application has been processed, I might start on that drug - yuk, more drugs! was hoping to avoid that route, but it will be a little bit of an experiment, as the 2 drugs are not used together normally, and we'll have to see how that goes (who knows, they may make some medical breakthrough with me being the Guinea-pig - who knows?)
Tuesday (last week) went for a CT scan to monitor general state of organs, etc. was such a relief that they got a vein first time, as most of the previous times my arm has ended up looking like a pin-cushion, and once they even had to send me to the ultra-sound room for guidance to find a vein - so you can imagine my relief that they got one first time. (small pleasures :)
Wednesday (last week) Eve and I made a day of going
Firstly; to the Maxillo-Facial Surgeon. There is a small 'thing' on my jawbone which he wants to remove, but has to chat to my oncologist as (things are never simple, are they?) i am on a drug to strengthen my bones, which prevents me from having any dental procedures. so I'll go back to see him in a few weeks to see what can be done.
Secondly; we were off to Rondebosch for Chemo (after a yummy healthy lunch at the common-ground cafe) - My oncologist said that the scans were okay, and apart from one or 2 things which he was going to follow up on, everything seemed pretty much like they were last time they did the scans (Dec) he also said he would need to chat to the Maxillo-Facial Surgeon to discuss how to best sort out my mouth. He said i should not have the Zometa (bone strengthening drug) this cycle, and we'll take it from there.

So, that's a wrap on me.. my joints have been sore, but I've been sleeping better which has helped.
Been Fun to be on holiday with the sweet kids, and all in all, been having lots of fun!

Thirdly... The (main) reason I decided to write on the blog again, is because -over this weekend, being Easter and all, I have been doing a lot of thinking...

As I am writing this, my wrists are 'freezing up' and getting more and more sore while i type - which is why i don't do much typing.. but really feel I'd like to get this message across to you, so please hear me out!

For So much of my life I have carried around this massive frustration ... that I care for So many, so deeply - there are SO many people in my life, so many friends and family that I love SO much and am desperate to Share MY GOD with them - but it is because I love them so much that, ironically, it is often difficult to talk about the most important things with them, as I don't want them to think that I'm judging them (or think they need to change - because they are so lovely just as they are - and i am not judging them) I am just desperate to share THE most AMAZING part of my life with them.

...In a way it's kind of like trying to convince someone how awesome it would be for them to have children, or someone to love in their life. Until they are open to it, or it becomes real to them, they don't really understand what you mean. Then - maybe one day, they experience it for themself, and realise the richness of that new love! - well.. it's almost like that, only in the biggest form of love possible :)

One good thing that has come of all I have gone through lately, is that I find people are keen to Listen if I have something to say, so i'm taking this opportunity, if you will... to talk... unlike all those years where time has gone by and i've not explained what's really been on my heart... on this the day marking the end of easter, I'm going to share something that's (always) burning in my heart...

I'm not sure where you stand, what you may have been through, or what your experience is of Christ - or what your understanding is of what He did for us that day on the cross.

Some of you might have been hurt by people, maybe by church.. or difficult curcumstances, but I know that it would not have been God who hurt you.

The one thing I know, is that I Love and Adore and I TRUST HIM COMPLETELY! I am confident in that whatever I have to go through, I have Him to go through it with, and that is a huge comfort to me! God promises that nothing can separate us from His Love - not Life, nor Death, nor anything else. So whatever we face, we don't have to worry, if He is with us, we are safe! My Dream is that All of you will get to know Him the same way (or more) than I do..

I was recently given a beautiful book, which some of you might have been involved in putting together (for those who Ash knew and managed to contact). Included in this book is the following clip which was taken from a book (which I read recently, too) by Barbara Johnson, who has gone through the trauma of a brain tumour, the loss of 2 children and other difficult obstacles she has faced in her life - I loved this quote (from Margaret Clarkson) in her book:

"God didn't promise us days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but HE DID PROMISE us strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way." ... another quote I remembered from her book was... "As we cling to God to get us through he dark times, our faith is strengthened until it becomes unshakable." ... "Remember that grapes must be crushed to make the fine wine, and wheat must be crushed to make bread. Brokenness brings wholeness to us all in a variety of ways. Broken hearts, broken bodies, broken dreams... and then, in the midst of our brokenness, we feel ourselves pressed against the unshakable presence of God, and there we find peace; there we find strength and courage for the next step."

Yesterday morning, just before the Easter Service at our Church, I was getting ready to go, and thinking (as I so often do at that late moment) about who I would have liked to invite to the Easter service with us.. then I thought.. I wonder if my friends realise that (while it is a privilege to have them join us and I absolutely Love it if any of them come to our church) ... that it's not the most important thing (to me) if they come to church or not - but what is important (to me) is that they know and understand God in a new way. So my prayer and HOPE for Easter this year, is: for those who don't know Jesus, and have never had him as part of your life, that you would come to find Him and recognise the Power He has in your life through what He accomplished on the cross for you - that your life will become so rich once you find Him. For those who knew Him once, but have moved away from Him - that you would come back to Him, and know Him in a new, very real way. And for those who know Him already, that you will learn so much more about Him, that you will be changed forever.. and so ultimately, we would all know Him, and walk in the plans He has for each and every one of our lives - then my life would be as FULL as it could be, Indeed!
With Love,
Nikki